Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Allowing all parts of me to catch up...

I'm always amazed at the power of gravity.

What goes up must come down. In this case, the coming down is a giant let down.

When you complete a big task, filled with challenges, obstacles, failures and brick walls, it's exciting and thrilling. A great triumph and a fantastic achievement.
But then comes the depression. The goal is accomplished, the job is done. All the energy now is in limbo, waiting for another channel. That transition is just shitty.

That's where I'm at: I'm coming down from pushing with everything I had. Going against the grain requires a double-time effort. Two thoughts for one, two desires to do something different to one comfort zone. After a while, you're running on pure adrenaline and the faster heartbeat becomes second nature.

But you get up the hill, cross the valley and make it. The top is so pristine and beautiful and yet so jarring. The hardest thing about succeeding is not making it to the top, but staying there. That's why athletes briefly celebrate championships and quickly talk about next year. They have the luxury to run down the mountain and start the trek up again.

I've been looking for the item that I need. I'm in the right grocery store, in the right section and now, I'm in the right aisle and I found it. What next? What's the next item on my list? The satisfaction I felt about my accomplishment is now tempered with WHAT'S LEFT. I've been avoiding that like the plague, but now the air at the top is thin and as I look back and I squint forward, I realize how tired I am, how sad I am of all the roots I clung to as my identity are uprooted (and now further shaken by earthquakes and other acts of God) and how far I really am from home.

I'm slightly ashamed about how I got here. I'm embarrassed when I tell people that I just packed two suitcases, wore my maroon shorts with holes on the airplane and just came. I'm nervous to tell people how I did it, not because it's a feat of greatness, but just simple stick-to-it-ivness. I wish I had the gravitas to tell you about all the arguing I did while driving to and from USC. I knew I was leaving, but over and over and over, the question was asked. "Are you sure?" Can you do this? Do you want to do this? What if you fail? What if you really fail? What will everyone say? What will you tell yourself to keep going? Does God have a death wish against you?

When I finally heard a yes with resonance, it was faint, squeaky, like a 12-year-old going through puberty. It wasn't mature, but it wasn't the same anymore.

Having people say "wow, that's bold" or "you took a leap of faith" re-emphasizes not the strength of my faith or boldness but rather its fragility. As things slow down and routine takes a seat next to you on the Metro, there is a moment of sheer panic. Change is the bridge, not the journey. I have reteach myself to walk with the 9 to 5 and learn to replant. So hard, so hard.

Now I know why most people don't take risks and don't do things that require sacrifice: It's not the risk that's scary, it's the realization that you might succeed.

But I must say, I discovered a superb coffee house in Gettysburg, PA yesterday. Called the Ragged Edge. For that alone, I'm glad the vision came and I followed.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Different leadership

RJ Eskow over at HuffPost wrote a great blog on Obama's leadership style. I think it's so important to change our perceptions on how we view politics. It's us as a general public that are bruised, betrayed, disappointed and cynical about our politics. When something new and better comes around, we have to have the hope to see it.

Here's the money quote:
Obama's been frustrating observers across the political spectrum lately. Progressive bloggers are debating whether he's driven by cynicism or centrism, while the rightwingers at Human Events claim there's a "Secret Plan Behind Obama's Move to the Right!" They're all missing the point. He's not moving to the Right. His political architecture isn't built on the old foundation of Right vs. Left -- or on Right vs. Wrong, for that matter. It isn't even binary. When it comes to policy he inclines toward the progressive position, but he's not thinking in terms of "winning" or "losing." His goal is group unity around the best possible realistic outcome. That means assess the situation, get what you can, then move to bring the parties together around a new consensus.


You read read the entire post here.

Monday, July 07, 2008

A statement for Monday

At what point does one decide to slow down and ease in?

I for one have never known when that point comes and goes. It sometimes seems like I have two gears: fast and bloody faster. I celebrate by going faster, I get through crisis by getting faster and I move forward by finding new things to move faster towards.

That, combined with the curse of journalistic adrenaline and a penchant of always thinking the divine shoe is gonna drop, is why I have never felt I could slow down and ease in.

Whatever that means. I suppose that some day, when I'm a grown up and the gray hair is fully intact and the balding is abated and there is that point where I finally hit the point where I either am convicted/convinced/bribed into settling, I'll wake up each day with a sense of ease.

Until then, I'm offering a blanket apology to my current/former/future co-workers, friends, foes, sweethearts, exes and bankers sick of my phone calls. I'm moving fast. There might be a point where I hit a wall and I'll be forced to finally slow down, but do know that I enjoy every moment, every detail and by taking on a philosophy that everything in life is both a means and an end, my slowing down in one area means I'm going faster in another.

Slowly but surely, I am transitioning out of transitioning. I'll figure it out soon enough, I promise. Until then, bear with me, I'm still slightly antsy and visions of sugarplums are dancing in my head...